Leadership, Authenticity, Vulnerability

Being a leader in a large organization is a complicated position for someone who wants to be both ethical and maximally effective. As a person in a position of both social power and some degree of actual authority, you often have to let your obligations to others and your own values shape your behaviors rather than your actual emotions. What happens, then, when you are going through something very serious? What happens when your life is upside down and it’s inevitably impacting your work and life? Should you share it at all with your team?

Leadership Styles are Values Operationalized

Before we dig into how to handle authenticity and vulnerability, we have to talk about values and leadership styles.

When I was more junior, before I had any social or actual authority, I always watched those above me and how they comported themselves - their styles of leadership so to speak. I saw a lot of differences in how people behaved. Some leaders seemed extremely distant and almost clinical - people who clearly were giving me a work version of themselves that leaked little of who they really were outside. Others took a path that was largely the opposite, showing everything both good and bad about their emotions to their reports, alternatingly lashing out and heaping plaudits on colleagues. Then there were people who were more towards the middle of these two poles - charting a course carefully.

Eventually I realized that leaders act from their values and how they view their obligations to their team and organization. Do they lead with their emotions? Perhaps what they value is being ‘authentic’ even if that means that they lash out sometimes. Do they seem to take obligations to their reports and their company seriously? Maybe that’s why they are less willing to be transparent, because they must protect the trust placed in them. Ultimately the two poles I described above were two poles of an axis of these values.

How Values Become Actions

One of the most powerful lessons I learned from watching people was noticing that the values people had came from some deep place inside them, things that could be shifted but only slowly, but their actions were things entirely within their control. People who understand the values they possess can then manage how they act on those values to be the best version of themselves. On the other hand, people who have not taken the time to understand their values still act on them, but with less intentionality, often doing things that later surprise or alarm them.

Imagine someone who knows they value something simple: Getting to rant about their day and overshare. This value could be called radical transparency, looser boundaries, or any of a dozen other phrasings. Person A and Person B are both managers at a mid-sized technology company with a small team. Person A knows they value this, even though they may feel a bit embarrassed about it. Person B has not realized they value this. Person A makes sure that they spend at least a few minutes each day with a friend they trust that is okay with them oversharing about everything from their love life to their most recent strange mole. Person A doesn’t overshare with their team, at least not very often, because they realize that doing so would create odd incentives given the power differential present and that their team may not feel safe speaking up. Person B doesn’t know their values here, so instead in 1:1’s or group settings with their team will just share something inappropriate frequently. Their team doesn’t feel comfortable enough to speak up.

One of the scariest things that most people don’t realize is that while your values and wants may be scary, not knowing them or trying to repress them leads to even scarier outcomes. Whether you know them or not, your values will act through you, you only get to choose how, and you only get to do that if you’ve taken the time to know your values.

Authenticity and Vulnerability

All of this brings us to the question that regardless of your values, how much vulnerability and authenticity should you show at work? I think this is a matter of opinion, but for me the answer is usually “enough”.

Whether we like it or not as leaders, we are role modeling the behaviors our team will evaluate and most likely try to mimic. We are establishing the cultural norms through our actions. If we model being perfect, even when we know damn well we are not, our team will aspire to an unrealistic benchmark of absolute perfection. With this in mind, I think it’s very valuable to show vulnerability, imperfection, mistakes, and even a small amount of your own personal stress and struggle to your team. It isn’t imposing or oversharing to say that you’ve had a busy or rough week, or to share that you are sick and so you need to take some time. Those are all healthy levels of sharing.

I would suggest adjusting how much or how little you share based on how big the power differential is and how much the data is useful to them versus just role modeling. The most useful way I’ve found to try to gauge this is to ask the question of if I’m taking this action primarily for me or primarily for them? If the answer is 80+% for the other person, the action is likely fine to take and aligns with my value of helping others and supporting my team ethically.

The main goal here is to avoid creating situations where people who may not feel safe speaking up are providing you with emotional labor they cannot really consent to do given the power relationship.

When Life Turns Upside Down

Sometimes life isn’t your usual day to day, you’re dealing with a chronic illness, you’re going through a serious problem in your life, your parents died or are badly ill, etc. What is the appropriate level of sharing at this time? What if your “worksona” starts to fall apart because you don’t have the energy to manage?

In cases like these I recommend being fairly upfront with the people you work most closely with, role modeling an appropriate level of transparency. Something as simple as “I’m going through some very serious stuff in my personal life, so I may be a bit more tired or less engaged than usual right now” is entirely fine. If you are comfortable sharing some more details, or have a big enough team it makes sense to get mutual support somehow, it can be okay to share more - just don’t wallow in it. For example something like “I’m going through ${serious illness} right now - I know a few others are struggling with this too, so we will have a private support group for this kind of struggle, reach out if you’d like to join.” My only advice here is to remember that “access” to you is something people may want, so keep in mind that it can create weird incentive structures inadvertently.

What About Peers?

When you’re talking about peers or those above you, it’s fine to be much more transparent and open as much as you’re comfortable. I would still caution against oversharing, but providing people enough data that if they want to offer support they can is entirely normal and doesn’t create any weird incentive or odd dynamics. The more authentic you are with peers and colleagues that have no power relationships, within reason, the easier it can be to form long-term cohesive work and personal relationships with people.